To Ryan, the top contract demands of Eastern Washington University faculty:
- No school on October 13, the first day of the modern firearm deer season.
- Tenure to be determined on cow herding skills.
- Professional training on the correct spelling of regional, yet unfamiliar, fauna. Especially the geoduck clam, which is neither spelled goeduck or gooeyduck.
- Cowboy boots, mullets and dickies to be approved attire.
- Pleasepleaseplease put regular floors throughout campus buildings. We’re tired of the dirt floors, this isn’t one big barn.
- “Schlitz: the official beer of EWU.”